|
IBeIBeDoILIL
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Princess
Location: California, United States
Birthday: 10/16/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: singing, dancing, shopping, partying, clubbing, movies, bowling, computers, board games
Expertise: SHOPPING!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Computers (Hardware)
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/22/2003
|
|
| today is a whole new different day. hopefully a new start. i don't want to talk about it, i don't want to think about it. i'm tired...of thinking, of worrying, of waiting, of hoping, of trying..most of all of CRYING..especially by myself. i don't listen. and i just keep hurting myself. i WANT to be stronger. i WANT to be better. i wanna move on without him. it's hard, but i have no choice. i HAVE to. i have to stop feeling sorry for myself because i tried my very best..even more than that. i tried everything possible. i'm all out. i'm giving up. putting up the flag. i surrender. i'm only human and i can only take SOO MUCH HURT AND SOO MUCH PAIN. sometimes i want to cry..but honestly..there aren't any more tears left. none will fall. i never thought a person could actually run out of tears. but i have. yea, there's still a little here and there. but it's practically all gone. if i would've just let it go then..i would've been so much more closer to that time that i would be over it. but i still kept trying and now..today..i have to start brand new. i'll be happy again..someday..i know i will...it's just going to be such a long and hard process...trying to take it day by day. everytime..everyday..i'll pray..another day..just let me get through it another day..and then it will get easier and easier as time goes by. i've done it before..moved on from..AWAY..from the person i loved...i got over it. it's just harder this time. A LOT HARDER. but i have to keep strong for myself because no one else can do that but me.
GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH, THE COURAGE THAT I MOST NEED RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE. FORGIVE ME FOR PRACTICALLY BLAMING YOU, FOR TELLING YOU AND ASKING YOU HOW YOU COULD LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME. I'M SORRY!!! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME AND LIKE SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME...God won't give you something he knows you can't handle. IT'S JUST SO HARD..SO I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP. I LOVE YOU.
*sigh* i just want to be happy. is that too much to ask? is that soo much to ask?!  | | |
| yesterday was probably the hardest time of my life. i'm stupid. i'm stupid for ever believing it would still work out..that we could still be happy...too much has happened. he's hurt me too much. it hurts because i finally found the courage to open up my heart again to someone and love him without holding anything back...i feel like i tried SOO hard..and sacrificed SOO much for him..for us...but for what? NOTHING!!! i didn't get anything back...and you know what i didn't need anything..cept for him to show me just a little love back in return..but i guess not even that. 2 years! and it was just a complete lie. he never loved me!! like he even said..if he did, he never would have done any of that....-=*( and that hurts. it hurts like hell. i can't even begin to explain. i'm tryin to survive. to move on. to LIVE again..by myself... sometimes i'm okay...not fine..coz i don't think i will be for a long time..but i'm tryin to be okay..but then most of the time...i just can't help but breakdown. and i can't help but ask God why...?? why this ALWAYS happens to me. i don't deserve it. i don't...and sometimes i ask for strength...coz i just learned that maybe that's one of my weakpoints. i'm so weak..like today..it was just crazy hard..i felt like calling him..like going to him..but then i think...come on princess, you did it for so and so hours already..don't give in now...coz those hours will then mean nothing and even if it was just hours and not days..and not weeks...it's still a start... i don't wanna give in..i don't wanna cry to him and beg him. i've come that low..begging him to be with me...to stay with me...EVEN AFTER ALL THE PAIN HE HAS CAUSED ME....!!! what's happened to me...WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME NOW?!?! | | |
| first and foremost..to those people who commented on my last entry...THANK YOU from the very bottom of my heart...
ADRIAN..thanks for your concern..it's nice to know you care...really..
KRISTINE...sometimes i forget how wonderful of a cousin you are..and though you ARE far...that i can still come to you in my time of need. i really miss talkin to you...i'll be coming soon to visit..that's for sure!! love you too!!!
ZAIRAH...wow..though i didn't expect a post from you..THANK YOU!!! your post not only made me think and remember what was real...but it brought a SMILE to my face..you are such a sweetheart! and i'm happy you have found your happiness!! i truly am!
LOVE YOU GUYS!! *mwah*
anyway, it's hard times right now. we're learning from each other..he and i. we love each other. no doubt about it. it just so happens that mine was stronger. was? or is? i don't know. but i hope in time, it will be the other way around. it doesn't sound rite..i know..like it should be equal. but i just want to feel LOVED..as much as i've been giving love my whole life to other people. it's selfish. but it's my turn. i deserve to be happy too rite?? the way i've been making them happy?! we've been crying a lot. together. and then we have so many little happy moments. i guess we're both trying. and i see it in him..i see him trying..and it makes me happy. like i told him today..IF IN THE END IT MEANS HE CAN CHANGE..not change..that's not the right word..FIX..yea..FIX HIS SHORTCOMINGS..AND IT MEANS BEING TOGETHER FOREVER, HAPPY IN LOVE..THEN I'LL BE GLAD...I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE ANOTHER CHANCE WITH HIM.
i know..i'm putting myself on the line again. i'm putting my heart on the line once more..i can't help it..i ALWAYS listen to my heart..at least i know later on that i did what i felt was right. i won't turn back and ask 'what if'. i hate that.
i'm not ready to give details right now. i know it could be anything. but for now, that's all i'm gonna say. i'm not ready to talk openly about it yet. | | |
| my throat hurts from tryin to stop myself from breaking down and crying. my world is about to fall apart...AGAIN...for the second time..actually, it's already starting. it hurts soo bad. i don't know what's going on. i don't want to make excuses for him like i did for jayson..tellin myself that it's not possible..that he can't ever do anything to hurt me. but then hey, jayson did it to me and i THOUGHT he was the most wonderful guy in the world. what's gonna happen to me this time. how long is it gonna take me to get over it all. HOW CAN I EVER OPEN UP MY HEART TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN? how do i start living life by myself again? how do i build up the courage to live?? what do i do? why do i always fall for the wrong person? what have i done??? what bad have i done that can possibly make me be worthy of getting such punishment when it comes to love????? what have i done????? everytime...i ALWAYS just love unconditionally and give my all..my everything..i don't hold anything back..and yet...this is what i get in return??? i hope..i PRAY TO GOD that i AM much stronger now. esp with what has happened to me in my past..with jayson and everything. i HOPE I CAN GET THROUGH THIS ONE..easier than the last. my soulmate...whoever you are..wherever you are...come SAVE ME. NOW IS THE TIME. -=*( | | |
| wow. talk about forever. i haven't written or even just been on this thing in so long. for one, i knew that was gonna happen when school started. but i'm on vacation now. for a month. so maybe i'll be writing in here more often. another reason i haven't been on here, besides busy, just was never in the mood to write i guess. a lot of stuff have happened ever since my last entry. like xmas, new year's, etc. hehe.. the holidays were great. spent with family and booboo and his family. everything worked out great. booboo and i got to spend it with both families. so that was great. got a lot of gifts! -=D also spent TOO MUCH i think this year on presents. i dunnoe.. i tend to not look at the prices of the presents i give out. and now booboo and i are broke!! lol! i didn't really have any new year's resolution. 'cept to lessen my shopping..but apparently, that resolution has already failed. haha! i dunnooe! i can't help it. when i see something i really like..geez! i HAVE to have it! so the only solution is not to go anywhere near the mall. oh BUT SHIT! I WORK AT THE DAMN PLACE! lol! there's no hope for me. -=/ i need to seriously go to shopaholics anonymous. tehehe. eew.. that "tehehe" is totally form J. i got that from him. speaking of which. i talked to him recently. i texted him for xmas. and like not even 5 secs after, my phone rang and it was him. so yea. usual. 411 about each other. how everything is etc. etc. he even talked to Jaymee and told her that he was gonna buy her and me a phone. bull! he always lies. lol! but yea, he kept tellin me how him and Jaymee were the best of buds. and i'm like sorry, but her and Mike are like so kewl together. they even study at Borders together when i'm at work. and J was all like..noOoOoO! she still likes me the best. and i told him. i dunnoe bout that. lol! and yea. he brought up past things again. and then something really wierd and crazy happend. he goes "just break up with your bf now and get back with me.." ooh! CRAZZY! i don't even know what to say about that. but yea, i just laughed it off and said whatever. and i changed the subject. we talked for awhile that night. i don't even remember about everything that we talked about. there were prollie so many more juicy and interesting stuff..but i forgot. i love booboo. and right now..when i think about it. i don't think i could ever leave him. not even for J. i just can't think about it. i dunnoe. i love him so much. we're close to beating the length of mine and J's relationship. for obvious reasons i guess, i'm just waiting (is that the correct word for it) to pass that. when i think about it now. how i loved J and how i love booboo now..and when i think about who i loved more..as in was i more in love with J or more in love with booboo..it's hard. i dunoee if it's because J was a long time ago..well, not a long time ago..but you know..it's not the present "love" i'm in rite now..or what..but i feel like i'm in love more rite now. they are both love. for sure. only 2 loves in my life. real love. true love. i dunnoee if i am more now. maybe not. i'm not sure. but for some reason..i feel like J was like fairy tale love. like it seems so fantasy. and this one..with booboo. it feels more real. more realistic. i can't explain. it's hard.
well, i'm thinking too much again. i miss booboo. he's asleep already. he has work early tomorrow again. i feel so sad for him. i wish i could help him out in so many more ways. he just has so many problems right now. i mean..not so much..but like..financially. -="( gosh, i'm tearing. he's always stressing out 'coz he has to help his mom out and the whole family. and he needs to save for a new car. i wish i could do so much more for him. i hate too see him stress out or sad. seriously. when he's sad, i'm sad. whatever he's feeling, i'm feeling. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! one time we cried together and he told me that he wanted to marry me already. -=") i love my booboo. he's so right for me. he told me once that he loved me because i make him good and that i see good in him. my throat hurts rite now. i mean not as in hurt..but as in it hurts when i swallow..coz i think i'm about to cry. ahhh!
breathe in. breathe out. lol. i think when i read this later on..i might laugh at myself. i might feel myself to be too emotional right now. i have no idea why. i'm not even on my rag. maybe it's this dammn song i'm listening to right now. sway. i TOTALLY LOVE this song. one of my favorite songs.
well, i'm gonna stop rite here. there's so much more to write about. but i'm getting lazy again. lol. i think i'm gonna go on FRIENDSTER.
sweet nite. *mwah* | | |
|
